Manic Monday

I had to go for my blood test today. I have let myself hope beyond hope that this was successful. Every twinge was good news. I must have poked my boobs a hundred times looking for tender signs of hope. And I have run myself into an almost complete frenzy to day waiting for them to call. Even now my pulse is racing and my hands are shaking.

And its not looking good. The Dr.'s office closes in 20min and no call. That means I am getting the 2 sec drill from the nurse any minute now. I know this, I know that they leave these calls until the end of the day. A tiny part of me wants to keep hoping I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

Which means all those twinges were drugs I hate running a muck in my body, turning my insides into god knows what. And every month I have to gear myself up to go through with it. And its that crazy hope that this time its worth it. I just don't know if I can gear myself up again.

So I will let the crazy voices in my head run their course.

For better or for worse

So its been awhile....I'll fill you in later (let's just say its safe to assume that when you don"t hear from me its never a good sign)

There are a thousand wedding mementos filled with this phrase, "for better or for worse". I cried as most women do when we said them. But much of me cried thinking that we knew of the worst of time and our marriage would be the other half. Who knew there was an emptiness worse then death?

But today I saw these words in action.

Better: we were both home from work and raked leaves in the beautiful fall afternoon sun
Worse: we talked about how we would go on with our fertility treatments now that our insurance is changing

Better: we went to dinner in our old neighborhood. A fantastic Italian meal with wine and desserts to take home. We walked down our old street and looked up at the windows of our old apartment laughing about the heating situation.
Worse: coming home early so I can give myself a trigger shot injection for our IUI scheduled for Saturday morning

Better: Getting a a big thumbs up and a hug afterwards because I got through the shot

And just like all those plaques and magnets and samplers tell you its good when the better outweighs the worse