I dreamed a dream

So either I am crazy, or I am going crazy, or I always was crazy and all of this baby stuff just makes me insane. But for once I have discovered that a blog no one knows you write is probably a good thing because you can say the crazy stuff and hopefully get it out into the open and by doing so get it OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!! So last night i had a dream that we had newborn twin girls. And they were fine, it it was in my house, it was really my husband and I. We were trying to get all of our relatives out so we could just take care of them. And I woke feeling like I should get up and go get them to bring into bed. It was a little like when you wake up feeling you're running late in the morning only to find you can sleep for another hour. So normal people would say it was a dream. But infertility has taken me so far from normal town I need a GPS. Having this dream during the 2WW is not really helpful when I had every intention of not tracking every twinge and "symptom" No intention of getting early detection tests. I swear this month I was going to run away from the crazies! But the thing is I don't feel totally crazy. I kinda feel fine, like "Of course this dream makes perfect sense, you just didn't know you were pregnant with twins." I even had this weird thought this morning like, "Oh no how will I break it to him that we're having two girls?" And then I had this thought of a photo of him with a little girl on each side, and it just seemed so settling and calm. Back in the day they would have burned me at the stake for even uttering that I believe something I saw in a dream. Maybe those "witches" had just been driven mad by infertility. Not sure whether to be scared its true or scared that after all these months I can't even escape this in my sleep. I want to be sane, and rationale, and to go back to the woman I was two days ago that barely remembers her dreams let alone cares what they mean. But I feel like I saw them. I saw possible. And maybe that was the point. That this journey maybe headed into its most difficult leg, but that its not impossible, that the dream we have is getting close enough to touch. Here's hoping. I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high And life worth living I dreamed that love would never die I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Beyond

"Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?"

So far i have spent a lot of time on here thinking about and talking about my infertility. And while its true that for right now it makes up such a huge part of our lives, who am I beyond that? Part of the plan was to figure out who i am anyway.

So as you may have notices, i LOVE Broadway. The greatest gifts my husband has given me are Sirius satellite radio in the car and season tickets to our theater here in town. Both of these are mostly so he can reduce his own exposure. But really its because he loves me enough not to ruin it by trying to participate ;)

My grandfather help to forge my love of musical theater, he took me to see Fiddler when i was about 9. Very shortly after that he introduced me to my other great passion, sports, more specifically college basketball. If you know anything about this sport then you know that it can border on obsession.

So you can imagine my joy this past weekend when I realized that the TV gods were smiling on me. I spent the day on the couch, not wallowing in self pity, but watching the ACC championship game between Duke & UNC. Following the game I was able to watch the 25th anniversary concert of Les Mis. After that a Sabres game. Really, is there any better way to spend a Sunday?

I almost let my infertility creep back in today, but when the nurse asked me what time I could come in on Friday, I told her it needed to be before the games start. See I've only been diagnosed infertile for a year, I've been a Blue Devil fan for 25 years. That's who I really am.

When I'm not at the fertility clinic I have a job. Who am I anyway? Oh yeah, I'm a professor. Yeah that's kind of a great career. I have actually had some trouble adjusting to my new position. There is a tremendous amount of attention paid to you at this kind of job, people speak about you, about your work. it doesn't really come naturally to me, I still think of myself as a teacher, someone that comes second to her students. I also have had trouble with my new found freedom. And this is not meant to sound ridiculous, but when you are a teacher you pretty much get up early, work late, take work home, and spend all your cash making projects and bulletin boards. Now I teach 16 hours a week. And in 5 weeks I am done with this academic year. Despite all my years in education, I have never had a paid summer off. I realized that thinking about myself first instead of my work I translated as fill the time with something else. Just as I was discovering the need for that I threw myself into our fertility treatments. So instead of taking time for myself, or enjoying my life, I dove headfirst into developing my identity as an infertile.

So that is my new challenge to myself. I have spent years throwing myself into my work. Check. I am more then my business card, but I also need to better learn to enjoy the fruits of my labor and see what my career will look like in this new space. And I need to have personal development beyond fertility books, and discussion groups, and websites.

So anyway, if you need me you can find me in front of the TV for the next 3 weeks. I have picked Duke to go all the way. That is except for the two nights I'll be at the theater, I have tickets for Young Frankenstein and Spring Awakening. That's just the kinda girl I am.