Manic Monday

I had to go for my blood test today. I have let myself hope beyond hope that this was successful. Every twinge was good news. I must have poked my boobs a hundred times looking for tender signs of hope. And I have run myself into an almost complete frenzy to day waiting for them to call. Even now my pulse is racing and my hands are shaking.

And its not looking good. The Dr.'s office closes in 20min and no call. That means I am getting the 2 sec drill from the nurse any minute now. I know this, I know that they leave these calls until the end of the day. A tiny part of me wants to keep hoping I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

Which means all those twinges were drugs I hate running a muck in my body, turning my insides into god knows what. And every month I have to gear myself up to go through with it. And its that crazy hope that this time its worth it. I just don't know if I can gear myself up again.

So I will let the crazy voices in my head run their course.