Well maybe next year

It's father's day. And while its probably not as hard for my husband as mother's day was for me, it's still rough around the edges. Because no matter the fact that we have a cute title, DINK (double income no kids) they don't make cards and have commericals and put art on Google's homepage for that. And today is one of those days that reminds me how very much I love him. Because I actually hurt that I can't buy him a card today.

Now for the crazy part....see if you are also traveling through the land of If (told you I read a bunch of those infertility books) this won't sound crazy at all, I meant it sounds a little nutty to regular people. I did the math in my head (by product of infertility is that you start being able to do large amounts of math in your head) and was thinking about the fact that if we do get pregnant this month then the baby will be due around my husbands birthday, that this should really be the last holiday we are childless. I mean I could even know by the 4th of July! And if we get pregnant this month then we could send Christmas cards with my belly and have a baby shower around New Year's and schedule couples massages for valentine's day and I could get a teeny St. Patrick's Day onesie and the baby will be old enough to take to church on Easter and we could have a big 4th of July BBQ for the baptism....This whole wonderful dream is so close.

And I was doing so well too. I had really not had one of these full blown "IF" days in a long time. So yes my brain knows its a long shot. Yes I have been down this road and know the bitter pain and disappointment that I am potentially setting myself up for. So yes I will take my big girl pill and take it down a notch. But maybe, just maybe.....maybe next year will be different.

The morning after

Remember a little while back I said when in doubt go Broadway? I got some new inspiration from the Tony awards last night.

Comes a point in every body's life
when they've gotta stand up and face a fight....
I swallowed my fear, followed my heart right here.....
If you listen to the beat and hear what's in your soul,
you'll never let anyone steal your rock n roll



We hid in the house most of the weekend. We both had sort of weird Friday nights. Since we don't share most of our reproductive schedules with friends we keep getting hammered with comments and questions. And usually we present a united front of deflection. But we have one couple that knows a little of what we are going through. So I accidentally let my guard down in a group the other night when she asked me a question. And then everyone knew. And then the mood changed. No one was directly mean or rude, but it was like one of those dreams where you realize you're naked in the cafeteria. So that probably explains the need to hide and regroup. We cleaned closets and junk drawers. But mostly we spent a lot of time together, laughing at the stupid piles of junk we have hidden around our house and watching the cats turn stuff into toys and eventually shreds.

And then we realized that we haven't had guests over in months. My sister has been here a few times. People have stopped by. But its summer and we haven't even thought of cook outs or party planning. And that's not us. We didn't buy this big house just to fill it with kids, we did it to fill our home with life and laughter. And we need to start doing that again.

See I realized I let all this fertility business steal my rock n roll. No I don't want to turn into that crazy latter who tells the check out girl that she needs to hurry because I'm ovulating. I just need to be me. And part of me is a woman that wants to have a baby with the man she loves. So I need to make this less about Dr.s and medicine and other people's ideas about how or what to do. Back to basics.

Terrible Tuesday

So who am I today?
Tuesdays title #1 Granddaughter
Went with my Gram today to look at her new apartment. Its at an senior community. And while on paper I think its great, it sucked going. Not that it wasn't great. The neighbors seemed super nice, she has a nice garden which she has really missed (she currently lives w/ my mom who is a die hard city girl so no yard) But I have to be honest there were ALOT of old people and it hit me that she is fit in. Ok I know my gram is older (she's 85) but it still sucked to see her that way. And everything in me wanted to scream "Don't do it!" But the reality is I don't know what else to recommend. The current situation isn't working out, but I felt defeated. And the thing is my mom is really scared about her living alone. And I'm scared about her being alone, my husbands gram being alone, my mom being alone....because we know what its like to have your greatest fear come true. About 2 years ago, my mother in law passed away, suddenly, in her sleep. Home alone. And in reality that just never leaves you. So tonight I feel like I'm faking being excited for her. Hopefully by the time I get to her house tomorrow I will have recovered
And as if the day wasn't confusing enough I got a second title, or should I say I didn't get a title I was hoping for. For the 14th month in a row, we have not become pregnant. So I keep the title childless and move another step forward towards offically being titled "Fertility Issues"
And the thing is I keep telling myself that if we could just achieve the title of parents that it would heal all these other little (and some big) wounds that we have. I would love our grandmothers to meet our children and each month that goes by makes that dream feel like its slipping away.

1 step forward 2 steps sideways

I spent the day with my mother. There's a mild case of family drama in the air, but that pretty much just means that someone spoke to someone... But rather then even remotely dealing with the situation, she talked, I avoided and deflected and then we ate. And the little voice just squeaked again the faint wish that I had some other type of family, where there wasn't drama and every conversation wasn't cutting somewhere. Ironically that was one of my mothers biggest complaints about her mother, that they just don't get each other.

And know I'm sitting here writing this instead of asking my husband a simple question. Because secretly I sometimes still feel like I'm bugging him. In real life I know I'm not, but the girl inside me never wants to make the boy mad. And see in my thirties that's turned into artful deflection. So he thinks I'm fine. Nut ball that I am is sitting here waiting until sufficient time has passed between his pulling in the driveway and my asking a question. Yup. Remember the 90% - 10% thing? This is what I mean. My husband is out watering my flowers (90% dream come true) and I am worried that I bug him, because ....I don't really know why exactly. Probably should bring that up with my therapist (insert 10% here)

And this after he called to make sure that I made out OK today with the new Dr that we are going to see. After months of just not feeling a good connection with my OB/GYN I am moving to a different practice. Yes, its crazy to start from scratch in the middle of treatments, but I figure I'm still not pregnant and I'm unhappy so might as well. And all the books and articles and chats and blogs etc etc that you read tell you that one of the most important things you need in your infertility journey is a good relationship with your Dr. So I am excited. OK excited is way overstating it. But I am proud of myself for actually doing it. See I avoid confrontation alot. I cleverly disguise it as procrastination, but that's really it. And not just with other people. See I didn't confront the issue because I would have to call my current Doc and say "I am really concerned about how my fertility treatments are going" See if I don't call I don't have to say "We're having fertility problems" Right now we get to be in fertility limbo. Not pregnant, going through a diagnosis period, but no real issues or results. Because if I drag my feet we could still get pregnant and then we might not ever have to tell anyone that we are living in fear that we are going to be childless. That's just the elephant that lives in our house with us and the cats.

And maybe that's why I don't want to feel like I'm bugging him....

But he just walked in and told me he was going to shower so we can go meet some people out to enjoy a Friday night. One giant step back into the 90%

Stealing a thought but its true

So it turns out the hardest thing about blogging is setting up the page. And it seemed kinda stupid to answer a bazillion questions about myself when in reality the point is that I am supposed to be trying to reconcile myself past the labels that I've given myself, or embraced from other or attached meaning to. The only person who should care about my favorite movie is me. (Its Chasing Amy) And I mostly make the list of books, music or TV make me sound a. intelligent, b. witty, c.popular And thinking about that list makes me realize that I either can't think of anything or don't remember the name of what I like.
So just like the lists I didn't put much thought into the URL name for this. I put in a key word and picked from the available suggestions. But turns out I kinda like it. Because you can read it a bunch of ways. OK so maybe its only 2 ways but I still like that.

Who am I anyway?

Who am I anyway? Am I my resume? That is a picture of a person I don't know......



When in doubt, go Broadway



Never in a million years thought that I would blog. But then in all fairness this is probably not the time to start counting the things I never thought I would do.... And since I must admit that I have been spending allot of time reading community posts and other people's blogs, and that doesn't even count Facebook, so it seemed only fair to stop sneaking around the Internet. And my greatest hope is that no one really reads this and post comments because its not a strength of mine to get back to people, even imaginary Internet people. It seems somewhat self important to do this, but I am tired of talking, or trying to talk, or avoid talking, or pretending to make small talk. So I'm throwing it out there to get it out of my head and make room for something else. Like maybe a foreign language....that's just a maybe



Maybe then I can say that I am the picture of what I always feared most, a thirty something woman that obsesses endlessly about trying to get pregnant. Cause if I say it in Spanish, or Italian or Hebrew it will be so confusing that no one will know....