I can do that!

I got to class and had it made
And so I stayed the rest of my life
All thanks to Sis,
I can do this!

Welcome to another post where I actually talk about something other then infertility!!!

I had a great day today. I never forget how truly lucky I am that to have the kind of job that I love. Now don't get me wrong, I still have a laundry list of things I'd like to change about my job, but as jobs go it beats the hell out of customer service!

When I was in college I had this crazy rose colored glasses ideal that education can change the world, that communities can be transformed and lives uplifted through learning. 15 years later I have struggled to hold onto that belief as my career has butted heads with policy and funding issues that sometimes have shown me the worst side of what people can do to other people. But today was different.

I spent the afternoon working with community organizations and colleges in our area on creating research and grant opportunities to serve the needs of the community. The idea was to focus on how to make our community better based on the work that higher ed does, rather then just doing research for the sake of publishing. Now don't get me wrong, I like my fancy new title of professor, I just dislike the idea that I am expected to research about people, not with them, so it was great to spend the day with like minded folks and actually get some things going.

The rest of my day was spent on the computer and phone with my sister. We are putting out a conference proposal that is due tomorrow. My sister is a PhD grad student whose work focuses on post colonial literature, which if you don't know what that is you are probably in the majority. Basically she reads a lot of books about the Caribbean. I work with adult education students, many of which are immigrants/refugees or minority students, both of which have spent a lot of time not seeing themselves or their culture valued or represented in school. I work on helping people improve their literacy skills, so working with texts that meet the needs of the students is primary. So like my sister almost no one ever knows what I am talking about in professional circles. We got to chatting (or we were venting about work) and discovered some similar themes and decided if two people from such different fields are looking at these issues, maybe there is some merit to our collaborating. Also, we are looking to get work to pay for us to go on vacation together, since our work schedules limit the amount of time we get to spend together we figure its just easier to combine sister time and work rather then wait for free time.

So at the end of the day I can feel good that sticking to my guns all these years was the right thing to do. I am actually going to get to do the work that I dreamed up as a wide eyed undergraduate, and how many people can say that their conversations in coffee shops came to fruition? And getting to develop this new side of my relationship with my sister is such a gift. She also remided me that its great to have a job where we can go to work in jeans.

So today was a good day. I can do this.

Prepare Ye the Way

So about a year and half ago, as we were just beginning to think maybe this baby making thing was a little more complicated then we expected, I stumbled across this idea of the common thread.

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/

I liked the idea not just that it identified me to others, but that by joining the larger community I could draw strength from this. It became part of my armour.

So my on my first thread I included a green bead. Green in Italian culture represents fertility. I thought that these two ancient colors would bring us that little extra boost we needed.

Ironically it broke shortly before we began working with our clinic and started medicated IUI cycles.

So next I went traditional. I simply created my common thread from the exact match thread. Its been on since last fall.

Yesterday, we had our consult with our RE following our worst failed cycle yet. It's time for a new plan. Starting in May we will begin our first IVF. There is no way we would have been prepared to have this conversation even 6 months ago. It was not an easy decision even now. But we have thought, and read, and talked, and prayed, and studied and talked and thought some more. And after all these years we feel this is the right choice for us. And now we are both filled with a sense of peace and control that we haven't felt since before our very first doctors appointment almost 2 years ago. Even though its invasive and difficult, I am less afraid of this then I have been of any other procedure.

Since we are embarking on a new phase of this journey, I thought it might be time to update my thread. This process is going to be physically and mentally draining, so I am trying to do lots of things I like, to create fun opportunities, to treat myself. So I have taken some liberty with the original design.

The beads read Wish, Hope, Create, Believe. This is the order I feel my infertility journey has take, from simply wishing to a point where I am creating and taking action. And now faith must guide me to beielve that this will work. The beads are garents, not just because of their pomegrante color but because they are my birthstone.

But I am also keeping my common thread. My new bracelet symbolizes this new part of my journey and the unique path we have taken, but the common thread keeps me bound to those who have come before me, and those who will come after.

I dreamed a dream

So either I am crazy, or I am going crazy, or I always was crazy and all of this baby stuff just makes me insane. But for once I have discovered that a blog no one knows you write is probably a good thing because you can say the crazy stuff and hopefully get it out into the open and by doing so get it OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!! So last night i had a dream that we had newborn twin girls. And they were fine, it it was in my house, it was really my husband and I. We were trying to get all of our relatives out so we could just take care of them. And I woke feeling like I should get up and go get them to bring into bed. It was a little like when you wake up feeling you're running late in the morning only to find you can sleep for another hour. So normal people would say it was a dream. But infertility has taken me so far from normal town I need a GPS. Having this dream during the 2WW is not really helpful when I had every intention of not tracking every twinge and "symptom" No intention of getting early detection tests. I swear this month I was going to run away from the crazies! But the thing is I don't feel totally crazy. I kinda feel fine, like "Of course this dream makes perfect sense, you just didn't know you were pregnant with twins." I even had this weird thought this morning like, "Oh no how will I break it to him that we're having two girls?" And then I had this thought of a photo of him with a little girl on each side, and it just seemed so settling and calm. Back in the day they would have burned me at the stake for even uttering that I believe something I saw in a dream. Maybe those "witches" had just been driven mad by infertility. Not sure whether to be scared its true or scared that after all these months I can't even escape this in my sleep. I want to be sane, and rationale, and to go back to the woman I was two days ago that barely remembers her dreams let alone cares what they mean. But I feel like I saw them. I saw possible. And maybe that was the point. That this journey maybe headed into its most difficult leg, but that its not impossible, that the dream we have is getting close enough to touch. Here's hoping. I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high And life worth living I dreamed that love would never die I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Beyond

"Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?"

So far i have spent a lot of time on here thinking about and talking about my infertility. And while its true that for right now it makes up such a huge part of our lives, who am I beyond that? Part of the plan was to figure out who i am anyway.

So as you may have notices, i LOVE Broadway. The greatest gifts my husband has given me are Sirius satellite radio in the car and season tickets to our theater here in town. Both of these are mostly so he can reduce his own exposure. But really its because he loves me enough not to ruin it by trying to participate ;)

My grandfather help to forge my love of musical theater, he took me to see Fiddler when i was about 9. Very shortly after that he introduced me to my other great passion, sports, more specifically college basketball. If you know anything about this sport then you know that it can border on obsession.

So you can imagine my joy this past weekend when I realized that the TV gods were smiling on me. I spent the day on the couch, not wallowing in self pity, but watching the ACC championship game between Duke & UNC. Following the game I was able to watch the 25th anniversary concert of Les Mis. After that a Sabres game. Really, is there any better way to spend a Sunday?

I almost let my infertility creep back in today, but when the nurse asked me what time I could come in on Friday, I told her it needed to be before the games start. See I've only been diagnosed infertile for a year, I've been a Blue Devil fan for 25 years. That's who I really am.

When I'm not at the fertility clinic I have a job. Who am I anyway? Oh yeah, I'm a professor. Yeah that's kind of a great career. I have actually had some trouble adjusting to my new position. There is a tremendous amount of attention paid to you at this kind of job, people speak about you, about your work. it doesn't really come naturally to me, I still think of myself as a teacher, someone that comes second to her students. I also have had trouble with my new found freedom. And this is not meant to sound ridiculous, but when you are a teacher you pretty much get up early, work late, take work home, and spend all your cash making projects and bulletin boards. Now I teach 16 hours a week. And in 5 weeks I am done with this academic year. Despite all my years in education, I have never had a paid summer off. I realized that thinking about myself first instead of my work I translated as fill the time with something else. Just as I was discovering the need for that I threw myself into our fertility treatments. So instead of taking time for myself, or enjoying my life, I dove headfirst into developing my identity as an infertile.

So that is my new challenge to myself. I have spent years throwing myself into my work. Check. I am more then my business card, but I also need to better learn to enjoy the fruits of my labor and see what my career will look like in this new space. And I need to have personal development beyond fertility books, and discussion groups, and websites.

So anyway, if you need me you can find me in front of the TV for the next 3 weeks. I have picked Duke to go all the way. That is except for the two nights I'll be at the theater, I have tickets for Young Frankenstein and Spring Awakening. That's just the kinda girl I am.

You've Got a Friend

Thanks to technology, these days we have two kinds of friends, real friends and those on Facebook.

When you are suffering with infertility, Facebook is the enemy. I am convinced its a drug, because as much as I know its bad for me, I do it everyday. And everyday I am sick, and sad, and angry and swear I will stop. Today when I opened my page the first 13 posts were all from "friends" talking about their new babies and/or their pregnancies. I just kept desperately scrolling trying to find anything on there not related to babies. Thank god for the Superbowl, at least I found one article I could stop on and then close out without wanting to burst into tears or throw the whole machine out the window.

And there are the real friends. There is a dark underside to infertility that most people don't talk about, and that's the part where you lose alot of friends because they don't get it, they are uncomfortable, they get tired of being around a sad depressed person. So the one's that stick around (and don't get fired from the job for one to many "It will be fine, just relax." comments) are pretty special. The sad part is that when you are caught up in all of this craziness you forget to tell them. Last week I was in the basement sifting through our giant bin of old CDs. I needed something for my Sunday school class. there in the pile was a mix my friend made for me about 9-10 years ago. We were finishing up grad school and she was moving away. I threw the CD in the car to listen to as I drove around doing errands because for the life of me I couldn't remember what was on it. She picked every sappy song about how much friends mean to each other she could find. I cried all day. In the way that only she would understand.

And as much as we thought we needed those songs then, those girls have nothing on us. 10 years ago we never though we could survive a move 6 hrs away. Today we stand by each other through events that would send those girls running in fear. We don't remotely have the lives we hoped for; I am struggling through infertility treatments and my friend works hard to be the best step-parent she can, a job that always looks easier on paper. We try so hard to hold onto the joyous laughter we shared then, but lately its gotten harder and harder to see the visions of joy we planned. Back then we though a friend was the girl that opened the wine bottle, now we know its the friend that you can call when its all too much and we have a fear in the pit of our stomach that we really can't make, that it might not all turn out OK and there is no one else you can admit that too. I am making her a copy of the CD.

And the thing is, she isn't even on Facebook. So I had to call her to tell her how much the CD meant, and more importantly how much I needed it now and that having it reminded me that I am loved. Our friendship used to be about how much she made me laugh, but turns out she knew even back then, that there would be a day I just needed to cry and have someone understand. I got lucky, I really have a great friend.

Cold Nights

I am supposed to go for my ultrasound tomorrow morning, bright and early. The one that tells me if all the drugs I have been pumping into my system is working. Except tonight the furnace stopped working. Our house is older, so we knew this was coming, but really, a week before Christmas, during our last round of insurance covered fertility!!???!! Really??!! See that's my panic. If we buy a new furnace what happens to the meager savings/cash flow we have/need for our next rounds? I won't even get into how angry I get that money stands between me and building a family, tonight I am frozen with panic. I am scared through to my soul that these are the life changing moments, the things that look like tiny bumps in the road for most people but for us are the hand on the lock of the door of dreams shutting in our face. And we both know it and don't say it. Like we don't say it at the grocery store because we're not really worried about the price of walnuts, but wonder if that $5 is going to be needed for drugs or IVF.
So tonight it is very cold in my house.

Manic Monday

I had to go for my blood test today. I have let myself hope beyond hope that this was successful. Every twinge was good news. I must have poked my boobs a hundred times looking for tender signs of hope. And I have run myself into an almost complete frenzy to day waiting for them to call. Even now my pulse is racing and my hands are shaking.

And its not looking good. The Dr.'s office closes in 20min and no call. That means I am getting the 2 sec drill from the nurse any minute now. I know this, I know that they leave these calls until the end of the day. A tiny part of me wants to keep hoping I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

Which means all those twinges were drugs I hate running a muck in my body, turning my insides into god knows what. And every month I have to gear myself up to go through with it. And its that crazy hope that this time its worth it. I just don't know if I can gear myself up again.

So I will let the crazy voices in my head run their course.