You've Got a Friend

Thanks to technology, these days we have two kinds of friends, real friends and those on Facebook.

When you are suffering with infertility, Facebook is the enemy. I am convinced its a drug, because as much as I know its bad for me, I do it everyday. And everyday I am sick, and sad, and angry and swear I will stop. Today when I opened my page the first 13 posts were all from "friends" talking about their new babies and/or their pregnancies. I just kept desperately scrolling trying to find anything on there not related to babies. Thank god for the Superbowl, at least I found one article I could stop on and then close out without wanting to burst into tears or throw the whole machine out the window.

And there are the real friends. There is a dark underside to infertility that most people don't talk about, and that's the part where you lose alot of friends because they don't get it, they are uncomfortable, they get tired of being around a sad depressed person. So the one's that stick around (and don't get fired from the job for one to many "It will be fine, just relax." comments) are pretty special. The sad part is that when you are caught up in all of this craziness you forget to tell them. Last week I was in the basement sifting through our giant bin of old CDs. I needed something for my Sunday school class. there in the pile was a mix my friend made for me about 9-10 years ago. We were finishing up grad school and she was moving away. I threw the CD in the car to listen to as I drove around doing errands because for the life of me I couldn't remember what was on it. She picked every sappy song about how much friends mean to each other she could find. I cried all day. In the way that only she would understand.

And as much as we thought we needed those songs then, those girls have nothing on us. 10 years ago we never though we could survive a move 6 hrs away. Today we stand by each other through events that would send those girls running in fear. We don't remotely have the lives we hoped for; I am struggling through infertility treatments and my friend works hard to be the best step-parent she can, a job that always looks easier on paper. We try so hard to hold onto the joyous laughter we shared then, but lately its gotten harder and harder to see the visions of joy we planned. Back then we though a friend was the girl that opened the wine bottle, now we know its the friend that you can call when its all too much and we have a fear in the pit of our stomach that we really can't make, that it might not all turn out OK and there is no one else you can admit that too. I am making her a copy of the CD.

And the thing is, she isn't even on Facebook. So I had to call her to tell her how much the CD meant, and more importantly how much I needed it now and that having it reminded me that I am loved. Our friendship used to be about how much she made me laugh, but turns out she knew even back then, that there would be a day I just needed to cry and have someone understand. I got lucky, I really have a great friend.