Friends

I am supposed to go to a dinner party later today. Its a group of friends, its actually sets of sisters, whom I've known for almost all of my life. We have all grown up together and it just happens we are all on vacation this week so its a spontaneous party, we usually only all get together once a year. Our moms are friends too. Its like a lifetime movie. But my one friend is pregnant. I haven't seen her since I found out. They just found out its a girl. And i found out today that once again I am not. For those of you keeping track that's 15 times I get to wear that badge.

I have been cleverly avoiding my pregnant fiends, not out right but if I can I do. And the number of them is doubling. When you add in that I try and avoid kid heavy events (yeah 4th of July was a challenge, luckily our town has a beer tent that was 95% kid free and I can easily pass judgement on the 5% of people who bring their kids to a beer tent enough to feel better) I have eliminated pretty much everyone and everywhere. This sucks.

I am happy for my friends, I just can't watch. I don't want to sit out tonight but I can hardly keep from crying thinking about going let alone actually doing it. The hardest part is that my mom is so excited to see her, its so special for her friend to become a grandmother. And I've got nothing. I wish I had a tattoo or anything I could show people and talk about. Instead I'll just drink wine and talk about my job. Cause that doesn't make me look like a boring lame ass or anything. My sister got a new haircut, even she has something to talk about.

And i tried to figure out a way to fill what feels like endless pregnantless days. I am taking a graduate class this summer. I don't need it, I just have always enjoyed school and learning (mostly I love new school supplies). Its usually so exhilarating to be engaged in discussion and scholarship. But its just not giving me the high it used. I think like all good things, that time has passed. I don't really have any colleagues in the class, I'm older then everyone. I have to really think about how to schedule the time to get assignments done. I totally dropped the ball at home this week as a result. My husband's team had a meeting with their CEO about heading up new projects and expanding their accounts, kind of a big deal. He is lucky enough to pretty much work in jeans and tees. He needs to look professional about 3 days a year. So do you think his wife might have remembered to pick up the clothes? Nope. And there I was sitting in class feeling like crap. Because the reality is i signed up for this class to get my mind off home and feeling lost about who I am. I thought I could retreat back to a familiar and comfortable identity: student. I was always so good at it.

But when the only identity you want is to be someone's mom, nothing else is going to fill up that spot. And that's why I know that I am just not cut out for being a good friend right now. I will work on it. But today its just too hard. Because who I am today is an infertile woman.

And the now I have to really go through with my RE appointment. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself that we could cancle it when the pregnancy test was positive, that I would never have to actually walk into that office and do this. I know that he is a great Dr. with an outstanding sucess rate and that in truth the sooner we work with him this might get better. But I have to admit that I feel defeated that we have to go. Like its offical now, we're incapable of the most basic funtion of the speciies. Shouldn't natural selection have weeded us out? I mean if we can't reproduce what the hell is our point in the system?

I don't have any clever song lyrics for this one. I'm open to suggestions though.