Loathing & Lost

Though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing, loathing,
Forever loathing, loathing,
Truly deeply loathing you,
My whole life long

After a week of trying to figure out what was causing this mood I finally put my hand on it (OK so Wicked put my hand on it for me) I absolutely loathe this. I loathe my infertility. I have gone beyond sad and weepy. I am still crying but these are blinding tears of anger. And after hours spent this week to get my insurance company to authorize my treatments, I am hopping up and down angry.

My babies have become commodities. I have $20,000 to play with to make all the dreams we have come true. And before everyone yells about how great that coverage is I do recognize that I am blessed with good health care. What makes me angry is that having a family is about my husband I. Its about Who I can get to give it to me and what its costs. I realized this week that instead of saying "when a mommy and daddy love each other and are married ...." I get to say "When the insurance company sends the Dr a code then a mommy can take pills and shots and a daddy can wait in a room and a nice Dr uses a syringe..." That is not what I want!!!! Instead of having a baby with my husband I feel like I am having a baby with a committee.

And lets remember that its not really a promise. I get to do all this for a chance to have a baby. And while the insurance coverage looks great, its for a lifetime. That means if we use it up on one, that's it, no second chances, no little brothers or sisters. So then i get angry that its not just the present that is being shit on by my infertility, this is forever. I loathe that this thing has changed me FOREVER. this isn't temporary. Even if we do get pregnant, life won't go back to the way it was. I've been to the dark side.

So today i don't want to cry and hide. I want to scream and throw things and smash them into a thousand pieces. I want everyone or anyone to feel as horrible as I do.

Part of me is hoping that this part will be helpful. I have had such a hard time committing myself to actually going through with the IUI process that I guess it makes sense that I have to go through all the stages of grief. I probably needed to do this a long time ago. But see usually anger makes me want to beat something, it fuels me to prove that I can beat it. But I can't beat this. Even if by some miracle I get pregnant, this black little part of my heart will always be there, this burning, bitter part. And I will loathe this infertility journey forever.