1 step forward 2 steps sideways

I spent the day with my mother. There's a mild case of family drama in the air, but that pretty much just means that someone spoke to someone... But rather then even remotely dealing with the situation, she talked, I avoided and deflected and then we ate. And the little voice just squeaked again the faint wish that I had some other type of family, where there wasn't drama and every conversation wasn't cutting somewhere. Ironically that was one of my mothers biggest complaints about her mother, that they just don't get each other.

And know I'm sitting here writing this instead of asking my husband a simple question. Because secretly I sometimes still feel like I'm bugging him. In real life I know I'm not, but the girl inside me never wants to make the boy mad. And see in my thirties that's turned into artful deflection. So he thinks I'm fine. Nut ball that I am is sitting here waiting until sufficient time has passed between his pulling in the driveway and my asking a question. Yup. Remember the 90% - 10% thing? This is what I mean. My husband is out watering my flowers (90% dream come true) and I am worried that I bug him, because ....I don't really know why exactly. Probably should bring that up with my therapist (insert 10% here)

And this after he called to make sure that I made out OK today with the new Dr that we are going to see. After months of just not feeling a good connection with my OB/GYN I am moving to a different practice. Yes, its crazy to start from scratch in the middle of treatments, but I figure I'm still not pregnant and I'm unhappy so might as well. And all the books and articles and chats and blogs etc etc that you read tell you that one of the most important things you need in your infertility journey is a good relationship with your Dr. So I am excited. OK excited is way overstating it. But I am proud of myself for actually doing it. See I avoid confrontation alot. I cleverly disguise it as procrastination, but that's really it. And not just with other people. See I didn't confront the issue because I would have to call my current Doc and say "I am really concerned about how my fertility treatments are going" See if I don't call I don't have to say "We're having fertility problems" Right now we get to be in fertility limbo. Not pregnant, going through a diagnosis period, but no real issues or results. Because if I drag my feet we could still get pregnant and then we might not ever have to tell anyone that we are living in fear that we are going to be childless. That's just the elephant that lives in our house with us and the cats.

And maybe that's why I don't want to feel like I'm bugging him....

But he just walked in and told me he was going to shower so we can go meet some people out to enjoy a Friday night. One giant step back into the 90%